I feel the emotional abuse again and they way I let him talk to me like that.
We have not even tried to repair the shattered glasses we broke a few months ago and now this. I don't know how much my heart can take.
Nothing scared me more then when he loved me one day and deciding he didn’t want me the next. Nothing terrified me more than being so close to him and then watching him become a stranger again. When he became cold and unattached, when his love for me changed, and slowly our old memories fading away day by day. That is when the pain changed ME.
Today he triggered all the pain and resentments that I have been ignoring for awhile now. I still need time to fully process everything, and I think I should be honest with my feelings and express them honestly.
But I will still be Writing. Healing. Evolving.
There is no love without pain and there is no life without pain. Pain is how we gain our wisdom and our strength and it’s how we develop a thick skin. But in between pain and wisdom, I changed — because no one gets out of pain the same person they used to be.
I still love. But with my guards up high, not as reachable as I used to be, not as trusting, not as innocent, not as pure and not the hopeless romantics I once was. I am cautious, I am afraid, I don’t want to get rejected, I don’t want to be bitter and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again.
I love, but I don’t love wholeheartedly anymore, I love in pieces, I love when I am certain about someone’s feeling and I love when the timing is on my side, I love only when it’s safe.
I still hope. But I also fear; I think of how things can go wrong, how good things will be short-lived, how things will not go the way I want them to because that’s easier to handle, it’s easier to deal with bad outcomes when you expected them. I live, but I don’t completely give in to happiness, I don’t believe that good things will last, I think that life will somehow take it all back.
I don’t give life a change to surprise me because I don’t want to be disappointed again so I disappoint myself. I tried to predict that life will let me down so when it does, I won’t be broken.
Sometimes I wish I could change pain instead of pain changing me, so I can find a way to be Myself again, to be the person I used to be before i was broken.
Ezzy
