Being alone is something I’ve always struggled with. I’m not sure where it stems from, but I’m not afraid to admit it. As a young woman, this is just one of the more recent things I’ve discovered about myself. I always think: is it anxiety, is it just general fear of missing out, or am I not as independent as I think I am? Or, does it mean I’m super social, does it mean I enjoy surrounding myself with people I love, or that I just simply want someone to talk to? One day I was scrolling through Rupai Kaur's Instagram searching for something, something that would make me feel better. This quote spoke to me. Well, all of her poetry speaks to me, but I stopped on this particular one, sat in silence, by myself, and thought about being alone. My friends and I have had this conversation before, too. Some of them say they love being alone—they say it's relaxing, they feel distressed. I expressed the polar opposite, telling them that I don’t mind being alone (that's a lie) but I’d rather be around friends. I’m not sure I’ve ever thought so deeply about being alone. It made me think that maybe I’m not fully in tune with myself. It also reopened wounds that I had been avoiding.
In November, I experienced a breakup. I went from having that special someone, always there for me, ready to pick up the phone or answer a text any second of the day. I went from having that someone text me every day at 5 am and routinely send me a goodnight text to…feeling alone.
The thing is though, I wasn’t alone. One of my best friends had also recently experienced heartbreak. All of my good friends came together and we all supported each other. And wow, did I feel loved! But the problem was, regardless of all of the support I was receiving from family and friends, I somehow still felt empty and lonely. It’s as if I didn’t have someone constantly texting me or constantly hanging out with me that I was going to break down or have an anxiety attack. Some people might say this is part of the grieving process when you experience a breakup, but I never felt this way even when I was in my last relationship. This lack of ability to be alone has put a strain on my life more than I’ve ever realized before. It’s just like the cliché saying that you can’t be happy in a relationship if you can’t first be happy with yourself. How are you supposed to be in a healthy and happy relationship if you’re constantly depending on the other person? We all need room to breathe. I think this is where the ability to be content when you’re alone comes in. I’ve thought a lot about this lately. We’re all flawed and we’re all constantly working on ourselves—and nobody should ever be afraid or ashamed of it. Embrace it and do the best you can to become a better you. For me, it’s understanding that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and remembering to fall in love with my solitude.
xoxo
